Let's all learn to speak English

As a baby, it is Evan's job to learn to integrate himself into the adult world. That is, into a place where one learns to play with the blocks AND to put them away; where one throws food into one's mouth instead of AT it, and rests one's fork on the side of the plate rather than on the floor. Evan: get a clue-- becoming an adult is all about awareness: pay attention to how others behave, and then modify your behavior to fit in.

Evan is fourteen months old. He is the apple of my eye, the cream in my coffee, and the annoying screech from across the room. While Evan is clearly an intelligent baby-- and is quickly developing into a Daddy-like bibliophile-- he doesn't speak one word of human English. This is becoming a problem. Well, it is for me, anyway.

Evan's methods of communication are effective, and I gotta hand it to him for that. The real issue is with his lack of variety in communication-execution. He points, grunts, and waits for the desired item to be handed to him; he points, cries, and waits for the desired item to be delivered to him; he points, cries, and when the item delivered is not the one he wanted, throws said item on the floor. With proper words, he could express himself in eloquent two-word sentences: "No, no," "Yes, milk," "Dada read."

At the moment, all we get are syllables that sometimes sound like real words. And, as parents often do with their children, we give Evan more credit than he deserves--"That's right, Evan, there's a doggie!," "And what was it you said last night about the formation of European identity?", "You prefer Duran Duran to Erasure?"-- each time hoping our enthusiastic responses to baby-babble will lead him to say something, I don't know, INTELLIGIBLE?

Gibberish is as charming as it can be frustrating. In the meantime, I'm so looking forward to Evan's first word that I swear I'll toast it down at the Matt Weldon with any plonker willing to listen to me recite the story. "And then he said, get this, he said, 'Beck-ummm.' "

Hurry up and get with the program, Evan! Or I'm calling Noam Chomsky to analyze your language development!