Baseball Schmeisball

It's a highly published fact that I dislike sports. I don't play sports because I am not naturally athletic. Any suggestion of throwing or catching a ball, or hitting or kicking a ball sends me into fits of panic. Inside, you see, I am still the little girl whose gym teacher yelled "Easy out! Easy out!" when I went up to bat; inside, I am still the woman whose husband said, "You run like a duck."

In addition, I don't play sports because playing sports means following rules of all kinds-- small, big, and medium-sized. I can't think of anything less fun to do than follow stupid rules. This is why my friends who know me (and also like me) never call to ask if I want to play basketball, volleyball, kickball, on and on and on. "You go ahead," I'd say, "Call me for the drink-up afterward." I much prefer that type of athleticism, anyway... lifting pints with one's liver.

Despite being a person who hates sports, I have spent some time thinking about how to make sports better for people who hate sports:
1. Goals, touchdowns, etc. should all be worth more points. I'd be more inclined to watch a game where the score was 1,000 to 4,000.
2. With the above suggestion in place, all sports could be shortened. Instead of four quarters, make it just two. It seems like a lot more is at stake when there's only half a chance to win.
3. Get announcers who actually speak like humans, instead of special Jock-Itch Code words.

I could add to this list, but for the sake of time-- and the fact that I'm aware I sound like a real asshole, I'll stop.

What I really wanted to say was this: I haven't had a moment's silence in my house since the World Series or whatever it is started on TV two months ago. It's been all baseball all the damn time. I can't STAND the noise. It's just not the kind of noise I like... give me Evan on a harmonica for four hours straight; Bad Brains, "My Attitude," on a continuous loop... that's noise I can take.

As much as I hate sports on TV, my inner scholar realizes that they are culturally relevant. Michigan (and Detroit, specifically) really need the Tigers to win the World Series. It would bathe the city and state in a resplendent optimism one could probably see from Gary, IN, at the very least. In addition, when a sports team wins a big title, it's sort of like a victory for the people, by the people-- or at least that's how the people see it. You think, "Those are OUR guys," and you get the idea that teams do their jobs partially to please you, and that they delight in that fact (whether or not this fact is true). Let's face it: a sense of shared victory motivates people to change-- which could be very significant in an ELECTION year, when Michigan has the lowest unemployment in the nation, the costs of higher education and gas are steadily on the rise, and everywhere everywhere companies are cutting back on their work forces.

I hate sports-- but, GO TIGERS.