I Demand....

1. That you identify yourself.
2. That you tell me where you are.
3. That you tell me how you are.
4. That you tell me who you are.
5. That I be America's Next Top Model
6. That petite-length trousers actually be made for petite people: most petite women are under 5'4" tall
7. That in the next two years, I become both a pimp, a gansta, and a ho
8. That in the next two weeks, I ride the mechanical bull at the Wayside, wearing hip-hugger jeans with my mommy-muffin top hanging over my belt
9. That sometime sooner than two weeks one of my former students will buy me a well whisky at the Bird downtown, preferably a former student who is also a frat boy; and that I will run into another former student who isn't a frat boy but who is funny and drunk enough to tell me that I'm hot and cool
10. That in the next five years, I visit Lowell, MA to see Kerouac's shabby digs
11. That this April people will respect and admire me
12. That I be discovered: by archaeologists, Steven Tyler, Pam Anderson, Franz Ferdinand, Hedvika, Lucy, and Dora, and many many Secret Agents
13. That someone purchases a Kitchen Aid fatty-deluxxxxe mixer for me-- and NOT the pink one
14. That Po' Bastard publishes a well-received culinary arts cookbook
15. That I do more fun stuff than boring stuff
16. That this sucky freezing rain STOP NOW!
17. That Adam Miller be voted Mayor Eternal
18. That Munka gives birth
19. That Angela's in-laws love her like I do
20. That this list stop while it still feels novel