And the Dark Angel Came...

OK-- not exactly-- but the cable guy did. And he was doing cable "audits." This means he's checking to see people aren't ripping off his company... that people who are paying for basic cable get only basic cable (not deluxe cable, like we have been).

He says, "I can't find a filter on your cable hook-up."
I look at him questioningly, like, dude, what's that mean: all wide-eyed and mouth agape. It's sometimes OK to act like a dumbass if it'll get you sympathy or free shit. It also helps protect your innocence.
He explains, "A filter is there to block the channels that aren't included in your cable package. How many channels are you watching currently?"
The smartass answer to this would've been: At this moment, I'm not watching any channels; because I'm outside watching my kid throw little stones into a sand hole, and I'm talking to you. But, like a good wife, I say, "I don't know how many channels we have. Maybe 80? My husband set all this up..." (whenever possible, place blame on the opposite sex--makes you feel smarter, and less guilty besides.)
He says, "Well, if you want to upgrade to the cable you're currently watching..." (I'm not watching cable right now, asshole; check yourself before you wreck yourself-- I teach English, and I'm not afraid to correct your tenses!) "...it will cost blahblahblah per month, as opposed to the blahblahblah you're currently paying."
I tell auditor guy, "My husband ordered basic cable when the tech came to install the internet, and somehow we ended up with this."
"So, do you want basic?" he asks.
"Yeah, I mostly want it for PBS, for him," I say, smiling and pointing at Evan. (Again, sometimes bringing children into an issue such as lying--well, not lying, just "omitting information"-- to the cable company can do things for you. Though in this case, it didn't)

RIP illegal Food Network. I loved you wholly while you lasted. Now I will fill my nights with drinking and needlepoint instead.

Heaving heavy oh-so-heavy sighs...