The Summer of my Discontent

It's 9/11. But instead of musing about the anniversary of national and international tragedy, I'll instead say something more unexpected: enough with fucking summer already.

It was a whopping 90 bloody sweltering degrees in Mt. Pleasant today. Hopefully the heat kills me before I can't stand it and take matters into my own hands. That is to say if I see another college freshman wearing a halter top with jean cutoffs a-la-Daisy-Duke, I'm going to off her as a sacrifice to the faeries of fall and frost in an attempt that they smile upon me and paint the yellow and orange and ruddy red of autumn onto the leaves by tomorrow AM.

Everything about summer is awful: except for exceptionally ripe tomatoes, an overabundance of zucchini (that is to say courgette, for my Irish and British friends), and the occasional sleeveless dress. I'd like to point out that you can eat these vegetables in fall and also wear these dresses in fall, and that it means MORE in fall because you simply don't plan on doing these things. So, even if the tomato is of lower quality, or you need to wear a wee jacket with the dress, you are grateful for the unexpected chance to do these things out-of-season.

In fact, it might help all these people who love summer to make them feel like it's summer all the time. So I suggest a move toward doing summer activities during snowfall or or leaf-raking. It would be very unexpected to attempt swimming in a snowbank, in a bikini, of course. How about crunching through the leaves in a pair of flip-flops? Or grilling burgers in a blizzard? Sound like fun?

All ya'll who suffer from Seasonal Affect Disorder should be well-pleased at the thought of it being summer all year round. But tomorrow, if it isn't sunny, and it's below 70 degrees, I suggest you stay inside and watch TV and cry. The temperature will soon be falling, and so will the likes of people like you.

And as soon as it's officially fall, people like me will be roaming the streets wearing long johns and turtlenecks, in search of hot cider and root vegetables and anything pumpkin. Beware.