Once you lick the lollipop of mediocrity, you suck for the rest of your life.

Face it. Most people in the world are better than you. They're probably better looking and have more money (and more friends because of it). They're probably more intelligent, far more articulate and witty. Moreover, they can probably outdrink Betty Ford, outparty Kid Rock and Tommy Lee, and out-sex Hef, Harry Reems, and Debbie and all of Dallas.

I'm not saying you're a loser. I'm not even saying you're mediocre. I'm saying that the existence of Near-Perfect people in this world demands that you try harder to hold yourself to a higher standard.

However you define that standard, or, for that matter, how you achieve the seemingly unachieveable, is your own business. But for me, and many others like me, this means doing at least one thing a day that makes the chest swell obscenely Dolly-Parton-large with pride.

For example, today I killed three crickets: I wrapped one in a Kleenex and flushed it down the toilet; the second, I plucked from the carpet and drowned in the kitchen sink; and the third I crushed in a napkin and tossed in the trash. It made me feel like a real man. Learning to crush the weak and love it is a key component to understanding the human psyche. That's the real reason I'm a teacher.