The Big O's fantastic ending

Orientation season comes to a close today. As a team, we have overseen the schedules of 3,700 incoming freshmen. This means, for the past four weeks, I have had to tell wetfresh newbies different versions of the following statements:

1. College isn't like high school.
2. College is hard.
3. You have to get up to go to class, even if it is at 8:00 AM.
4. Yes, you do have to read in literature classes.
5. No, ratemyprofessors.com isn't the authority on whether or not professors can do their jobs.
6. How much you learn in a class has nothing to do with how hot your prof is.
7. Yes, even if you hate the arts, you still must take a class from "The Arts" subgroup of the University Program.
8. Just because you're good at a subject in high school doesn't mean you will be in college. In fact, you probably won't be.
9. Yes, there are deep-seated, important reasons why Reading Improvement and Study Skills appeared on your draft schedule.
10. I don't think you will succeed here, or in life.
11. If you're so smart, why aren't you smarter?
12. After speaking with you for 20 minutes, I'm positive your high school GPA was weighted.
13. Are you on top of your game, my friend?

That last one is most annoying. Because of orientation, I have sometimes been finding myself talking in sports metaphor. Earlier today, one of the peer mentors asked me how I was, and I replied, in utter seriousness, "Pretty good, Kelli. I'm on top of my game!" And yes, there was an exclamation point there, too-- I heard it in my voice. Totally gross.

Anywho, tonight is the big Orientation Celebration Banquet. I am very excited for this, because I'm guaranteed to win a Mock Award. I've never won a Mock Award before-- in high school, I was nominated for Most Eccentric (what?!), but they gave it to a purple-haired lesbian who shaved off her eyebrows... and she wasn't even at our All-Night Party to graciously accept the award. Where's the loyalty for her voting public?

Whatever I win, it'll be because I earned it. I'll share the fame and glory with you.