Tree of Life

It is a well-known fact that children have supremely awful taste. They're naturally attracted to the gaudiest, tackiest, most excessively beautiful things one can find in the world. I chalk this up to a sense of hyper-curiosity/hyper-interest in the world around them. They find all kinds of patterns, colours, and textures interesting-- and, to a child, the best thing a person could do is put all of these things together into a wondrous collage of clash.

For example, because of Evan, I will never again look at plaid the same. Evan has elevated this pattern from typical wardrobe staple to a very unique wardrobe experience. One of his recent combinations: blue plaid pants and a red and black plaid shirt. Very, very toddler chic. When Bacon asks: "Why do you let him dress like a retard?" My only reply is: "He's just expressing himself through clothes. We should all be so daring." Evan is very secure in his fashion identity, and sees himself as a trendsetter, not a casualty.

This afternoon, in a similar spirit of trendsetting, Evan and I shopped Wal-Mart in search of a Christmas tree. We had a disagreement right away about which tree to buy. Evan favored the 6-foot-tall silver tinsel one with fiberoptic effects. I vetoed that one on size alone, knowing any tree we bought couldn't be taller than 4-feet because it has to sit on top of our bar table. (Truth be told, I rather like tinsel trees because they don't take themselves as seriously as other fake trees-- they're just fake trees meant to look fake, not fake trees trying to look real.) Evan's second choice-- which he almost sold me on-- was a white "arctic" 4-footer, conservatively dressed with white lights. But, at $24.96, I decided it was a bigger commitment than I could handle. (White trees definitely take themselves more seriously than silver trees, and not in a good way. They fancy themselves better than silver trees because they appear more elegant and understated. That shitty attitude doesn't fool me. I won't set that example for my child.)

Mine and Evan's optimum choice would've been a 4-foot silver tree, with a budget option of multicolored lights. But, since this tree was nowhere to be found at Wal-Mart, we walked out with a green 3-footer dressed in white lights. It's conservative, I know, but it also has a two-year guarantee, and it only cost $15.96.

While we are not tree-trendsetters, as we aspired to be, I am glad to say that mine might be the only green 3-footer absolutely bedecked-- to the point of tipping over-- with ornaments. At the top: a macaroni-covered star, lovingly spray-painted in gold, with Evan's wee face at the center.