Aerobics took me to hell. I'm not back yet.

I should really begin this story by saying that I am by no means an inexperienced exerciser-- I've tried all kinds: kickboxing, step, free weights, yoga (hatha and ashtanga-- in my circle, we call the latter ass-tango), dancefit. Before I left the US, I even checked out Punk Aerobics at the Belmont Bar (BTW, most FUN class I've ever been to). As you can see, I'm pretty democratic about the classes I choose; I'll try pretty much anything. I'm also not a lazy exerciser. If I can't make it to a class, I try to do my own workout. I will take Evan for a long walk, or, still go to the gym but use the elliptical, stairmaster, and recumbent bike. I don't think I'm lazy exerciser.

How truly stupid and wrong I am.

Tonight I went to a class called Circuits. The course description clearly read "for all fitness levels." I heartily dispute that innocuous claim. Circuits is for bionic people with Herculean strength and iron-endurance, not puny human people. Like me.

There were about 14 "stations" set up around the gym. Each one had a different task: suicide sprint, jumping jacks, Spartan jump/donkey kick, push-up with hands in a diamond, regular push-up, electric chair (no, seriously-- squatting against the wall), lateral hold with weights, tricep dips, more running... the evil list went on. Flexible Brendan made these exercises look very simple. After the demo, we ran around the gym. There were tasks involved in the warm-up, too: when Flexible Brendan said "1" we were supposed to reach down and touch the floor with our right hand; when he said "2", the left; and on "3" we were supposed to jump in the air. By the time I caught on, the real evil began.

We ran to a station and did the prescribed activity for one minute. Then, we ran to the next station and did the next activity. We went once around the entire circle, and then did squats and lunges as a group for our "break." By this time the air was filled with the fragrance of sweaty boy-- oh yeah, did I forget to mention that there were only like 5 girls in the entire class? Then, we went back to the stations. The entire class, Flexible Brendan and his assistant "coached" people through the agony. At one point, while I was taking a break from my tricep dips, Flexible Brendan's assistant came over and said, "Dip on it, don't sit on it." This struck me as so RUN-DMC-esque that I decided to keep dipping.

By the time class ended everyone was tomato-faced and almost crying. We did some stretching, and then packed it up. Flexible Brendan's assistant asked, "Did you enjoy it?" I said, "That really sucked. It was great." This set Flexible Brendan and Assistant to peals of tinkly laughter.

I limped home. I will pay greatly for this tomorrow, I can already tell.

I would like to propose a revision to the Circuits course description. How about: for only super-advanced fitness levels. Or: don't come in unless you could take Mr. T, Arnold, and Mike Tyson in a fight, and win. Or, even better: if you try, you might die. As a kid, I hated gym class. Why would I willingly go back to Circuits, which is just like gym? Only two reasons: this time I didn't get picked on, and sometimes it's OK to have a fun fitness challenge to remind yourself that you will never become an Olympian.

Flexible Brendan and Assistant: Aces. Your class kicked my ass. That's why, from now on, I'm sticking to the aerobics classes wear I get to wear a tutu and dance around to the Spice Girls.